Like Sand Through The Hourglass...

I have been obsessed with time lately and how quickly it passes.  It's been OVER TWO YEARS since I came home with Hannah! Where did my baby go?  Am I really buying 4T clothes?  Did we really just give away the last of the pull-ups?

The second year was totally, completely different from the first year.  I have a feeling the third year is shaping up to be even better. 

I am going to be completely candid here, and let my friends in on a secret, something I don't do a lot in blog-world.  The first year was beautiful, wonderful....and so, so hard.  I felt so many emotions for my daughter.  I felt compassion, tenderness and love. But I felt sad and angry and hurt for her and all she had been through in her first 8 months of life. I felt angry at the world for being so unfair to it's youngest and most innocent.  I also spent most of the year tired, in every sense of the word.  Tired of the insecurities and tantrums and indiscriminate affection. Tired of constantly holding, rocking, swinging (oh my the swinging) attempting to make up for 8 months of sensory deprivation.  Tired of people telling me how lucky I was that she was so "normal."  Looking back on it now from a place of love and trust, I know that I did my very best and we did really well. But, at the time I felt inadequate.

Adoption is a difficult path even under the best of circumstances. Adoption was the best decision I ever made, and I always said this would be an adoption advocacy blog, but I think one part of advoctating is realizing that adoption is not for the faint of heart.  I remember first seeing her 5 month old picture and it was so beautiful. She took my breath away and I wanted her so much. I felt so lucky.  But I had to learn that, though love can be instantaneous, attachment takes time. It was an effortful process.  People tend to minimize the trauma involved with adoption because they think love will cure all. It doesn't.  I could write a book on the joy of bonding, but looking back, I will never say that it wasn’t difficult or that it took only love. It took perseverance. It took research. It took determination. It took a lot of tears. Love is prerequisite, it’s foundational, it’s a given, but it’s not enough. 

During her second year home, I gained some confidence, but I still second guessed my parenting skills all the time. Is it an age thing? An adoptive mommy thing? A single parenting thing?   I wonder a lot...am I talking to her enough about her birth history? Too much?  Should I be working more on academics or imagination/creativity?  Should I be happy she is so verbal or worried it will get her in trouble? The list goes on...and on..and on.


Another secret is that I am not the mom I thought I would be, and I do a lot of things I said I never would.  I know some of the mommy guilt is media-driven &%$*, but some of it is valid and I strive to be better when I can.


The mother I want to be has the perfect balance between work and home.  She has a fulfilling career and more than enough time to spend with her child.


The mother I am is usually rushed, wakes up exhausted, and worries a lot about being stretched in too many directions...and drives through McDonalds...a lot.



The mother I want to be is patient, nurturing, and enjoys pushing her child on the swing for hours on end.



The mother I am often stares at the clock WILLING it to be 8:00pm, sometimes loses her temper, and sometimes lets Nick Jr. babysit so I can read my book or talk to my BF (yep, there is a boyfriend; secrets spilling out like crazy in this blog).

And so it goes.
 
I don't believe in the word "perfect", but I can honestly say, after two years, we are in a really good place right now.  As we make our way through our third year, I have learned and accepted that life is a constant clash of ideology and reality.  It is strength of character, not body that helps us live in the Truth and Walk in the Light.  Tears of joy and tears of happiness often taste the same.  Fullfillment is a decision that you make, every second of every day.  Speaking of which, I need to stop ruminating on the past and get back to the present.

My daughter wants me to push her on the swing.

                                                        Cutest Asian Leprechaun    
                                                              

                                         Helicopter Drop Easter Egg Hunt

                 Her friend Bella, who makes hysterical faces when the camera comes on                                                         I only have one picture on my desk at work, and it is the one below.

                                                            Looking so much older!

 You might be a redneck....if your town has a Rural King. Right next to Tractor Supply.  And they sell live chickens right next to the bulk food aisle....

                                                 First time playing mini golf

Hannah burst into song as we walked into church...a worship song? Nope.  Red Solo Cup.

She then proceeded to tell the Easter Bunny that she didn't want him in her house, but he could leave her basket on the porch.  She also requested hair extensions.

                         Fun at the Great Wolf Lodge with another Kaz family!

                                                     

                 Her Easter sheep cupcake (thank you pinterest) Marshmallows and Oreos

                  Checking out fountain square after a modeling meeting downtown.

$#&@ My Kid Says...

5 Random Musings....

1.  Just because I want to remember how hilarious she was at two-and-a-half....

Hannah: I have a sister in Kazadom
Me (thinking to myself, OMG, she is having a traumatic repressed memory, here we go...)
Hannah: Her name is Rapunzel and she lives in a shoe.

Hannah (at the zoo): What do bears eat?
Me: I think mostly meat.
Hannah: Oh. I thought dey eated Oatmeal Creme Pies!

So, whoever invented daily savings time DEFINITELY was not a parent.  It is 9:30 at night as I write this and Hannah is still wide awake enjoying the evening with me...

Me: Why don't you ever sleep? What is wrong with you?
Hannah: Hmmm. I guess I am a yittle bit crazy.

2.  One of my new friend's in the AP world is almost on her way to pick up her own daughter after a looooong wait and roller coaster adoption journey.  She had a "virtual" shower and everyone was asked to send her one sentence of advice, a quick reflection on motherhood.  Sort of a "What I Wish I Had Known" kinda thing.  I sat down to try to write it about 20 times, but it's so hard to put into one sentence how much you learn in those first few weeks and months of motherhood. I considered several...You will make mistakes...it's okay to want a break...even though she's adopted she will have your eyes...nobody really knows what they are doing...This too shall pass...But I finally decided on the old standby...SLEEP NOW.

3.  We did get some great news last month that I forgot to post. We had our LAST visit with the orthopaedic surgeon.  He declared Hannah's foot 100% healed and she will need "no further interventions."  Amazima!  So grateful to her doctor at Dayton Children's hospital. As we were walking out of the Ortho's office, and saying goodbye for the last time, Hannah jumped off the three foot exam table and proceded to race down the hall in her socks, crashing into a rack of books.  Somehow that goodbye wasn't too hard to say, as for some reason I have confidence we WILL see Dr. Albert again...

4.  I just want to say for the millionth time how my I love my adoptive mom friends.  I was lucky enough to spend time down in Florida with one of them and our kids last month.  The nice thing about hanging out with some of the other adoptive families I know is that there’s so much less explaining and apologizing to do. They get it. We get that our kids didn’t have parents for a while at a crucial time in their development. It has repercussions. We’re working it out. We’re healing. We’re doing great, actually. But our version of doing great looks different that it does for kids who have had a typical attachment cycle in the first three years of life.  I will say this ~ I almost cried at how far our kids have come in the past 9 months.  I marvel at the resilience of their joyful hearts.

5.  This has been a month of mostly fun, with a long trip to Florida to see family and lots of play time with friends.  Hannah also got her acceptance letter (whew) for registration at Colonial Schools in September.  While I feel confident she will be academically ready, I'm still not sure it will be the right fit for her emotionally.  And so, we manage to steal a few moments here and there to work on our very modified version of a homeschool preschool program.  Here is a snippet of what we have been working on...

Science ~ Hannah is very interested in animals right now, so during our last trip to the library, we checked out some preschool books on the life cycle of a frog.  We were also able to find some cards for matching young/adult animals (puppy-dog, kitten-cat, etc.)  I  try to do lots of "hands-on" science projects with her.  For instance, at the museum last week, we looked at different kinds of shells, watched a short video on seasons, and introduced the water cycle.  After her swim class last week, we stayed late at the pool to "experiment" with different items to test whether they sink or float. We also went on a hike this weekend with some friends to see how maple syrup is made.

Math ~ Aside from counting, we are also practicing one to one correspondence with cards and objects. For instance, she matches the number 3 with the picture of THREE ducks.

Prereading/Language/Phonics ~We continue with our weekly sight words, as well as matching pictures with words.  We are also working on identifying beginning sounds in words. In regard to receptive language, we are looking at associations (things that belong together), and sequencing a story. In the coming weeks, I will be introducing game-playing (we are starting with Memory), not only for social pragmatics and rule following but also for visual discrimination skills.

Geography/Culture ~ Hannah can name her address, including city, state, country.  We are currently looking at maps and globes.  I also found a great video that introduces the flags to kids.

The Arts ~ Hannah got a keyboard for Christmas, and we will soon be starting an introduction to the notes. We also work on different art mediums, including drawing, painting, pottery, stamping etc.  She can copy and recall from memory many different letters, shapes, figures, etc.

Gross Motor ~ We continue with swimming and gymnastics, with a switch to soccer and tennis in the Spring. 
 
Acts of Kindness/Etiquette ~We are working on saying "Hello" and "Goodbye" to others without having to be reminded.  We are working on the concept of "giving" by giving away old toys and clothes to a local mission.  

Here is the month in pictures....

Pretend Sleepover with her best friend Ava.  Needless to say, no one slept ;-) I remember when I first held Hannah in the baby house and she fell asleep so easily for her naps, I thought, I hit the jackpot with the world's best sleeper. Little did I know she would spend the  next three years showing me how wrong I was...

Fun at the park...

.

Playing on the beach in Florida (visiting family)

                                    While down in Florida, hanging with her Kaz-buddy Ty.

With Great Grandpa

                                                         Heading to build a sandcastle....

                                                  Pirate and princess night at Chick Fil A

One of the things we did while down South was go on one of those tourist-trap yacht cruise tours through the Intercoastal to view the "Homes of the Stars."  I was a little in awe of the amazing "beach cottages" as they were called (one had six kitchens and a glass elevator).  A little depressing to come back to our toy-strewn, two bedroom condo with six people milling around in it. But, as my very wise aunt said "Some of these people are so poor, all they have is money!" 

And I thought to myself...I would rather have THIS.... 

                                                                 than THIS....

                                         And when I think of the richest part of life, I think of THIS..."

before I think of THIS...

                                              and I'm happy to invest my time and money in THIS...

                                                                     instead of THIS....

   

                                                                   any day of the week!

                                                                    XOXO, Erin

Change Is In the Air...

                                                           All "dolled" up
 

    Change is in the air. I am not even really sure what emoticon to use there.  It started with the realization that I forgot our Meetcha Day :-(  Last year at this time, I was so nostalgic and reflective, as I waited to celebrate all of our "first year" markers.  One year since I arrived in Kazakhstan, one year since I first held Hannie, one year since the judge said "Da" (yes).  But this year, in the flurry and fervor of a February filled with weddings, house guests, travel, and the stomach flu, the significance of the day somehow slipped my mind.  It's not that adoption and orphan care are any less important in our lives, but as time goes by, it's just a lot less present.

I don't talk about it much, but Kazakhstan really changed me.  Before Kazakhstan, I lived in a cozy little bubble of a world with lots of things that were easy and convenient. I didn't think too hard about excesses in my life.  And then I traveled to an impoverished country and adopted one of its children. 

 And I saw things that can't be unseen.  I saw children who were hungry, cold, uneducated, who were begging on the streets. I saw the babies that the rest of the world forgot about suffering from diseases that could easily be cured by a bottle of medicine here in America. I saw mothers make impossible choices just to give their children a chance at life. And ever since then I have been struggling to wrap my brain around how I was supposed to live in a world where the disparaging difference between the haves and the have nots is so, so great.  My best friend, who has worked in third world countries for many years, calls it "survivor guilt." 

I look around at my life, at my house and cars and refrigerator filled with food. And I hear myself complaining because the 24 hour pharmacy is 20 minutes away from my house and the because the school busing isn't convenient enough for working parents and because Target never has anything I want in my size.  And then I think about Kazakhstan and the injustice of it all breaks me down.  Because the problems in my life pale in comparison to what is happening in other parts of the world.  How dare I feel inconvenienced because Kroger is out of orange juice when there are children dying from drinking their own water?  There are children who would do anything for an education and hear I am complaining because our schools don't have busing.

Kazakhstan was a lesson in contradictions for me.  It was certainly the best time of my life because I adopted my wonderful Hannah.  But conversely, my eyes were truly opened for the first time to the immense suffering of the world.  And, as is the case with adoption, I realized that my happiness was the direct result of someone else's loss.  As the years since Kazakhstan have passed, I have tried to make sense of what I saw, of what I experienced and many times, this has made me questions my faith.

My blogger friend Megan, who adopted from Africa (and what I saw in Kazkahstan doesn't even HOLD A CANDLE to what is happening Africa), described it better than I ever could.


Being in Africa broke down my faith in ways I never imagined that it could.  Seeing the suffering made me question my God.  I found myself, and after all this time, still find myself saying, "God- where were you in Congo?  Where were you when I was holding those dying babies?  Where were you when I saw the starving children combing through the garbage on the streets?  Where were you when I saw the grown men drinking out of the sewers because there was no clean water?  Where were you!?"  Everything in my being wants to hear, "... Megan... I was in those beans that hundreds of people bought for you to deliver.  I was in those cans of formula that people from all over sent for you to take.  I was in the hugs given to those children in their last moments.  I was in those smiles and giggles the orphanage children gave while they were playing with balloons for the first time."  I want to hear it.  I so do. But I don't hear it. And even if I did, it doesn't seem like enough.  It's never going to be enough.

Ever since I forgot our Gotcha day, I had been praying for God to show me a way to REALLY advocate for the fatherless.  I continued to pray that God will grant me the courage to step outside my comfort zone.  God, Lead me in your way to be a voice for the voiceless. 

Living as entitled American is an easy routine to slip back into. Sure, I try to advocate and donate and attempt to mobilize, oh, say 147 million people on the benefits of adoption.  But it won't ever be enough.  In the end I guess the best we can do is try to teach our children at an early age about activism and humanitarianism and gratitude and thanksgiving.  I am investing in the promise and potential of future generations.  And if I teach her nothing else, my daughter will grow up empowered to create change in this world.

When I look into my child's eyes, I see hope. And sometimes hope is just enough to carry you through.

"Once our eyes are opened we cannot pretend we do not know what to do. God, who weighs our hearts and keeps our souls knows we know and holds us responsible to act."  Proverbs 24:12

Be the change,

Erin     

Update:  Days after privately publishing this blog, I have found my own tiny way to get involved.   I was asked to be on the Board of Directors at Little Miracles, Int'l.  This is the agency I used to adopt my beautiful Hannah.  Little Miracles is involved in many, many Humanitarian efforts around the globe. Here is the link to Dream of A Child, the website aimed at raising awareness (and funds) for their projects around the globe. 

After prayerful consideration, I accepted.