The 2 Parter

As a single parent, Father's Day is always kind of a weird, reflective day. On one hand, I feel very blessed. Hannie and I have been blessed with amazing, really upstanding men in our lives. She has my Dad, and even my Grandpa. My boyfriend is GREAT with her. My neighbors (all her "uncles") are like surrogate parents. The world is full of good men, and I am thankful my daughter comes in contact with some of them almost every day. On the other hand, the reality is that I am raising Hannie without an actively involved day-to-day partner. I feel like I need to hold myself up to a standard of perfection because I am all she has. I frequently have to remind myself that this is my reality, not hers. Hannie doesn't know anything other than having one parent - and that I am the one that is upset about all of this. She is perfectly happy going about her day blissfully unaware of what is missing or not missing from our unconventional family

And then I remember that in all the ways that matter, Hannah has the same Father that I do. And he heals and redeems and mends the broken places. And I don't have to be a perfect parent.

Because He is.

It's been a Joyful June.  Here are some pics of my June-bug!

This is the clubhouse built by H and some neighbor kids.  

This is H mad at me because I apparently invaded her secret club.  

Kazapalooza and Why It Matters....

This was our 3rd Kazapalooza and I've written twice before about how important these adoption reunions are, but it's really nice to be with a group of people who really GET IT. It's like extended family I guess. Only I have shared things, experiences with them that I have not even shared with my OWN family. I don't know how to explain it, and unless you have lived it, you probably won't understand. As one AP mom said. "Kazapalooza is an amazing way to celebrate adoption, our children, and the friendships that formed because we all united by something only the lucky will ever know."


Throughout most of the year, our Kaz kids are the "different" ones. The ones who don't match their parents and/or siblings, the ones who don't have newborn pictures hanging on the wall. But one weekend a year, being different means being special. The older Hannah gets, the more she understands that being adopted is something to be celebrated. So even though it can be a hassle to take off work and drive far away and spend money we don't really have, we will continue to make Kazapalooza work. Because it provides Hannie with a much needed dose of Kaz identity and pride, and because we are so blessed to be involved in this unique community.

Now for those who actually read down this far...some much deserved eye candy!!

All Good Things Are Wild and Free..and Almost Three...

My poor blog.  It used be updated faithfully, like clockwork, twice a month.  Now it's lucky if I can throw something together once a season or so....is this the end??? It might, or it might not be.  

This Kaz Mama is still getting used to the whole Parenting/Work/Life/Relationship Paradigm.  Ever heard of the Glass Ball Theory?  The blog is definitely one of my "rubber balls," so forgive me if I drop hypothetically "drop it"  from time to time.  Sometimes, something has to give and a few things end up falling threw the cracks.  No worries, I just need to take some juggling lessons and/or figure out how to hold myself up to a standard of grace, not perfection.

Anyway, Spring has Sprung and All is Well.  I could say it has been a busy few months but I guess I might sound like a broken record.  We did have a few "firsts" this Spring.  One of the firsts was for me....I took my first overnight trip without my girl.  Matt and I went to Florida for a few days of relaxation and fun.  We went to the beach, ate lots of seafood, slept in late, and pretty much just enjoyed each other's company.  I came home feeling about 10 years younger and fifty shades of wonderful ;-)  And, nope, I don't feel guilty about it at all.  Hannie had a great time with my parents who spoil her rotten.  I came home to find her relaxing by the pool in her brand new chaise lounge with her bestie Jonah...

Hannah continues to grow and thrive and drive me crazy. Here are some classic "Hannah Moments" of this month:




Nana: "Gosh, it looks like it's going to storm."
Hannah: "OH NO! I DON'T WANT IT TO!"
Hannah: "Why? What's wrong? You're not afraid of storms."
Her: "If the storm makes the TV go off I will miss my favorite shows WHAAAAAA."

I'm so proud.....LOL

Hannah: "Can you hand me my juice?"
Nana: "It's right on the table next to you. Why can't you get it?"
Hannah: "Because I said 'Abracadabra' and my hands are now claws."

Hannah: I love you mom....

Me: Because I came to Kazakhstan and made you my little girl?

Hannah: No, I love you because you have nice white teeth.

I can't believe she will be three this summer!! The days are long but the years fly by.... I haven't said much about preschool yet because I still don't know exactly what we are going to do. She is registered. The teacher request has been made. But I still have my reservations. I think Kelle Hampton describes it best....

I've made lists of pros and cons of both public and home schooling. Truthfully, I am an advocate of both and more importantly, I am an advocate of the fact that--like breast feeding vs. bottle or sleeping alone vs. family bed, or vaccinating or not vaccinating--there isn't a wrong answer. My child will learn to fly in whatever environment in which she is placed because I will support her. Of this I am confident. I also remember that we can change our minds, we can reassess, we can listen to all those quiet cues our children send to tell us exactly what they need, and we can respond accordingly. We will make a decision for our children based on what we feel is right for them and for our family, and we will make it work.

We give our children roots and wings. I know I need to let her go a bit. Growth is hard, but it's a good kind of hard.




Hannah at almost 3:




Rode her first roller coaster and log flume! She is 37+ inches tall which means she can ride all the "Big Kid" rides in Planet Snoopy!


She is very, very nice to others. There is a wonderful little girl, Addie, in her Little Gym class who is sweet and smart and also happens to have Down syndrome. Hannah plays beautifully and gently and patiently with her, always making sure she is included and having fun.


She always says "please" and "thank you." She uses very big words and I have no idea where she learns them. Today she used the words "viking, opposite, instrument, and runway."


She loves to ride her bike and scooter, go off the diving board, eat ice cream sandwiches, accessorize, and make birthday cards for people (not necessarily on their birthday).




Love you Hannie!! Without you, tomorrow wouldn't be worth the wait, and yesterday wouldn't be worth remembering!!

Like Sand Through The Hourglass...

I have been obsessed with time lately and how quickly it passes.  It's been OVER TWO YEARS since I came home with Hannah! Where did my baby go?  Am I really buying 4T clothes?  Did we really just give away the last of the pull-ups?

The second year was totally, completely different from the first year.  I have a feeling the third year is shaping up to be even better. 

I am going to be completely candid here, and let my friends in on a secret, something I don't do a lot in blog-world.  The first year was beautiful, wonderful....and so, so hard.  I felt so many emotions for my daughter.  I felt compassion, tenderness and love. But I felt sad and angry and hurt for her and all she had been through in her first 8 months of life. I felt angry at the world for being so unfair to it's youngest and most innocent.  I also spent most of the year tired, in every sense of the word.  Tired of the insecurities and tantrums and indiscriminate affection. Tired of constantly holding, rocking, swinging (oh my the swinging) attempting to make up for 8 months of sensory deprivation.  Tired of people telling me how lucky I was that she was so "normal."  Looking back on it now from a place of love and trust, I know that I did my very best and we did really well. But, at the time I felt inadequate.

Adoption is a difficult path even under the best of circumstances. Adoption was the best decision I ever made, and I always said this would be an adoption advocacy blog, but I think one part of advoctating is realizing that adoption is not for the faint of heart.  I remember first seeing her 5 month old picture and it was so beautiful. She took my breath away and I wanted her so much. I felt so lucky.  But I had to learn that, though love can be instantaneous, attachment takes time. It was an effortful process.  People tend to minimize the trauma involved with adoption because they think love will cure all. It doesn't.  I could write a book on the joy of bonding, but looking back, I will never say that it wasn’t difficult or that it took only love. It took perseverance. It took research. It took determination. It took a lot of tears. Love is prerequisite, it’s foundational, it’s a given, but it’s not enough. 

During her second year home, I gained some confidence, but I still second guessed my parenting skills all the time. Is it an age thing? An adoptive mommy thing? A single parenting thing?   I wonder a lot...am I talking to her enough about her birth history? Too much?  Should I be working more on academics or imagination/creativity?  Should I be happy she is so verbal or worried it will get her in trouble? The list goes on...and on..and on.


Another secret is that I am not the mom I thought I would be, and I do a lot of things I said I never would.  I know some of the mommy guilt is media-driven &%$*, but some of it is valid and I strive to be better when I can.


The mother I want to be has the perfect balance between work and home.  She has a fulfilling career and more than enough time to spend with her child.


The mother I am is usually rushed, wakes up exhausted, and worries a lot about being stretched in too many directions...and drives through McDonalds...a lot.



The mother I want to be is patient, nurturing, and enjoys pushing her child on the swing for hours on end.



The mother I am often stares at the clock WILLING it to be 8:00pm, sometimes loses her temper, and sometimes lets Nick Jr. babysit so I can read my book or talk to my BF (yep, there is a boyfriend; secrets spilling out like crazy in this blog).

And so it goes.
 
I don't believe in the word "perfect", but I can honestly say, after two years, we are in a really good place right now.  As we make our way through our third year, I have learned and accepted that life is a constant clash of ideology and reality.  It is strength of character, not body that helps us live in the Truth and Walk in the Light.  Tears of joy and tears of happiness often taste the same.  Fullfillment is a decision that you make, every second of every day.  Speaking of which, I need to stop ruminating on the past and get back to the present.

My daughter wants me to push her on the swing.

                                                        Cutest Asian Leprechaun    
                                                              

                                         Helicopter Drop Easter Egg Hunt

                 Her friend Bella, who makes hysterical faces when the camera comes on                                                         I only have one picture on my desk at work, and it is the one below.

                                                            Looking so much older!

 You might be a redneck....if your town has a Rural King. Right next to Tractor Supply.  And they sell live chickens right next to the bulk food aisle....

                                                 First time playing mini golf

Hannah burst into song as we walked into church...a worship song? Nope.  Red Solo Cup.

She then proceeded to tell the Easter Bunny that she didn't want him in her house, but he could leave her basket on the porch.  She also requested hair extensions.

                         Fun at the Great Wolf Lodge with another Kaz family!

                                                     

                 Her Easter sheep cupcake (thank you pinterest) Marshmallows and Oreos

                  Checking out fountain square after a modeling meeting downtown.