Does anyone else totally forget that their child is adopted? My family does, all the time. When Hannah learned to use a fork at the young age of 11 months, my dad proudly attributed it to her having the "Herman thumbs." When her physical therapist admonished us for allowing her to "W sit" my mom reported, "It runs in the family, my brother Jeff used to do that." Love is, of course, what makes a family, not bloodlines or ancestry, but isn't it funny how, as adoptive parents, we seem to get the child who was specifically meant to be ours? As Hannah blossoms from infant to toddler (and folks, we are talking full-fledged toddler mode here, with tantrums and all) it amazes me how she seems to "take after" me. When I took her to pick out her first pair of shoes the other day, she chose hot pink sneakers covered with pink rhinestones and rubies. "She likes the bling, bling," I found myself telling the sales girl, "its in her blood."
Oddly, I haven't had any questions from strangers about whether or not she is adopted. Kazakhstan is truly a melting pot of cultures, and, Hannah is not, according to her birth documents, ethnically Kazakh. I guess most people assume that I am her mother and her birthfather was Asian, because I am all the time hearing how much she looks like me. I don't see it; she looks truly Eurasian, with big dark eyes but lighter hair, and unless I do a birthparent search (which I probably won't unless at some point in the future we need medical information or Hannah just specifically wants to know), I may never know exactly what her ethnicity is. I read a pretty cool article the other day on adoption etiquette and I thought for fun I would repost some of it.
Single Dad Laughing's Guide to Adoption Etiquette.
Never, ever, ever, ask how much a child costs. This includes the phrase, "how much did you pay for him?" First of all, it's none of your business. Second of all, if you're interested in adoption, research it through the appropriate channels. Speak with an adoption agency. Adoptive parents don't purchase children. They simply pay legal fees and agency fees. Just like biological parents pay hospital and doctor bills. Don't turn the child into nothing more than a commodity.
Never ask if a celebrity inspired the adoption. Believe it or not, Tom Cruise, Connie Chung, and Angelina Jolie did not convince me one way or the other in the biggest decision of my life. Are you serious?
Never ask "where is his real dad?" Forget the fact that it will hurt my feelings. How do you think it will affect my son's feelings to feel like I'm not a real dad to him? Adoptive parents are real parents. The term you're looking for is "birth mother" or "birth father".
Don't say things like, "as soon as you adopt you're going to get pregnant" when you find out somebody is adopting. First of all, there are usually many, many years of pain and financial burden strapped to infertility, treatments, and heartache. Do you really think that what you're saying will help them? Secondly, while it is funny when it happens, it's rare.
Never say, "why did she give him away?" Do I really need to explain why this one would hurt a child? The proper term is "placed". A birth mother and birth father place their child for adoption. And again, it's personal and none of your business, so don't ask if you aren't my BFF.
Don't say, "it's like he's your real son". This is similar to number three, but worthy of mentioning. He is my real son, damn it.
Don't say, "do you love him as if he was your own?" Ummm... probably more than you love your little terror, that's for sure. And again... he is my own, damn it.
Never say things like, "you're so wonderful to adopt a child". I am a parent. Just like anybody else with kids.
Don't start spewing your horrible adoption stories. "This one time, my friend's sister's aunt's dog's previous owner's niece adopted a baby and the real dad came back and they took the baby away after they had him for two years." First of all, it probably isn't true. Second of all, how would you feel if I told you about all the ways you could lose your child. Adoption is permanent. And in the extremely rare circumstances that something like that happens, it's not something you should spread because the hurt that exists for all the parties involved must be immeasurable.
Don't say things like, "is it hard for him to be adopted?" Well, it wasn't, until you asked me that right in front of him you freaking idiot.
I don't want to hear about your second cousin who was on a waiting list for twelve years and never got a baby. Granted, this one was much more annoying when we were going through the adoption process. Nobody wants to know that some people never get chosen. Show some kindness. Even to ugly people.
So that's the list. And it's funny cause it's true.
Switching gears..... It has been a busy, busy, busy October! My friend Emily generously offered to let Hannah and I tag along on her Zoo pass to the Cincinnati Zoo last weekend for their HallZOOeen Extravaganza. 2 things to know about Hannah. She is crazy, and she absolutely LOVES animals. So I knew she would be thrilled with the zoo, and she was. She can name sooo many animals and it was fun to see her recognize them IRL. Today was Howl-O-Fest at Kings Island, the local amusement park. Fearless Hannah will ride anything, but it was crowded and she missed her nap so we left when she totally started to meltdown. We also did a Hike for Hospice this month, and this week Hannah will be staying with Nana while I go with my good friend Thomas to see the hottest ticket in town, the Dalai Lama. He is speaking on "Ethics in a Modern World" at our Alma Mater, Miami University.
I'd like to end by congratulating all my friends who are headed to Kaz in the next few months to either pick up or bond with their children. May you each find as much joy and happiness in your new family as I have found with mine.
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